BREAKING / ARTICLE / THE MEASURE
[MARKET UPDATE] MIDAS INC. ACCIDENTALLY FINANCIALIZES ENTIRE FOOD SUPPLY; BOARD CELEBRATES RECORD VALUATION
After deploying a proprietary "Golden Touch" algorithm designed to maximize shareholder value, CEO Midas has successfully bricked the biological sustenance layer. All consumable assets are now trapped in a hard-coded, read-only metallic state. When informed that users are starving due to the sudden lack of nutritional runtime, the executive class issued a statement praising the resulting 10,000% increase in localized market capitalization and suggested citizens simply pivot to digesting raw bullion.